Starvix's McMetal
by Project Starvix
Summary: Metal Sonic is the most efficient killing machine ever designed by man. So his creator uses him to go buy him lunch at McDonald's. And he must take Robo Knuckles and Shadow Android with him. This does not bode well...particularly because Shadow Android and Robo Knuckles are experiencing some...shall we say...'technical difficulties.'


Tloj: O_O Wow, didn't expect so much praise so fast! Anyways, final story today. Please tune in tomorrow for more! Again, nothing changed from Starvix's version except grammar.

Author's Chapter Notes:

I don't own Sonic, Metal Sonic, Crayola Crayons, LEGO cars, McDonalds, or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I do, however, own Star the Vixen.

* * *

My name is Metal Sonic. I was created for the sole purpose of defeating and destroying Sonic the Hedgehog. It was my primary function; it was my ONLY function. It was the only thing I was designed to care about.

So why does my creator deem it more important for me to hang around and wait for orders with these two rejects?

"I'm telling you, the sky is turquoise!"

"And I'm telling you the sky is teal!"

Speak of the morons…

My two counterparts (for lack of a better term) were currently debating the physical pigmentation of the atmosphere, yelling angrily as the argument got more and more heated.

Fighting for the 'turquoise' party was one Robo Knuckles; he was designed to be the most brutal and bloodthirsty android our creator, Dr. Eggman, had ever created. He was supposed to be cruel, efficient, and stronger than any other creature on the planet.

What he was, was an echidna-like android with more personality flaws than anyone could compute, with an IQ so high his only peer in terms of intelligence was the amazing Patrick Star, and who wouldn't be able to complete his objective if you asked him to touch his nose.

His current opponent, lobbying for the 'teal' party, was a Shadow Android. The Shadow Android series were meant to replace the SWATbots and were supposed to be faster, more deadly, more precise, and for reasons unknown to all but Eggman, look exactly like the real Shadow the Hedgehog.

What can I say? This Shadow Android was a failure from the day he first got off the assembly line, and ironically enough for him, his failure was the only reason he's still here to make my life a living torment from dawn to dusk. The greatest difference was his quill highlights; instead of the red they were supposed to be, for some reason his were colored orange. He also received a more advanced AI unit than Shadow Androids were supposed to get. There were tons of smaller discrepancies; such as the fact that his internal aim is off so he couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he stood four inches away from said barn and stuck the barrel of his weapon on it.

Let's just say it was clear to all that he was not Shadow the Hedgehog; and when E-123 Omega went on his rampage and destroyed all the rest, he spared this Shadow Android unit because he freaking didn't recognize it as a Shadow Android. Sad, but true.

The childish argument between the two robots continued, each insisting he was right and the other was wrong, until I could stand no more of it. It was an affront to my pride to get involved, but I would do anything for some peace!

I reached down and picked up the box of Crayola Crayons they were coloring with and gave them disapproving glances. "Why don't you just color the sky blue?" I suggested dryly.

The two gasped; the thought had honestly never occurred to them. "Wow, Metal Sonic, you're so smart!" Robo Knuckles gushed.

"Yeah, thanks!" Shadow Android agreed, and the two continued to color their rather childish-looking pictures, happy now that the disagreement had been resolved.

I sighed and wondered what could possibly be so important that Eggman would call me from my hedgehog-stalking duties to sit around with these two. It had better be important, is all I can say.

The doctor had kept us waiting for three solid hours. Three hours of being trapped in this room with these two. I was about to go insane. Give me Sonic the Hedgehog beating me to a piece of scrap metal over this any day; at least I knew that blasted hedgehog would have mercy and end my suffering eventually.

These two, however…

Robo Knuckles suddenly loomed into my optics, his picture filling my view screen. "Look, Metal Sonic!" he said proudly. "I drew a pony!"

I was so startled by the sudden intrusion that I fell backwards out of my seat and landed on my head; it took ten minutes to get me up with the others' incompetent attempts to 'help.' But finally I was upright, although sporting a rather large dent in the side of my head plate; and Robo Knuckles was eagerly showing me his drawing again.

Even when I looked at it with the idea that it was some kind of surrealism more complex than that of Picasso, it looked nothing like a pony.

"That's not a pony," I told him frankly.

Robo Knuckles blinked. "Yes, it is." he insisted. "It's a pony eating grass in a big field of flowers."

Looking at the picture again, I decided I had to tell him what it honestly looked like. "It looks more like a dying dog convulsing in agony in its last moments, drowning in a pool of its own blood," I said matter-of-factly.

Robo Knuckles' optics widened considerably. "Really?" he whispered, looking at his picture critically.

"Yes."

Robo Knuckles nodded thoughtfully, then he held the picture up again. "Look, Metal Sonic, I drew a sick puppy!"

"I'm drawing a pretty flower," Shadow Android offered from the floor where he was spread out and drawing happily like the big dope he was.

That. Is. It. I cannot take this anymore! I stomped over to Eggman's room and threw open the doors, then stopped, taken aback at the sight before me.

Eggman was wearing some strange sort of goggles that made his eyes seem to bug out. He was bent over a desk, hard at work drawing something. It was the something he was drawing that stunned me.

For he was drawing a picture of Sonic the Hedgehog with a cobalt blue crayon. I knew it was Sonic because he'd written the word 'Sonic' and had an arrow pointing to the picture; which looked nothing like a hedgehog. One could also see that he'd given his Sonic bucked teeth and big, dorky-looking glasses, and his tongue was sticking out with drool coming off it. The word 'Stoopid' was written at the top of the page.

"Master?" I asked hesitantly, wondering how a man with a supposed IQ of 300 could spell 'stupid' wrong.

Eggman jumped at my voice, looking up in shock and horror. With a lightning-fast reflex, he brushed the paper and his crayons off his desk to where they could no longer be seen and yanked his glasses off, tossing them aside. He sat down behind the desk and put his hands together as if nothing had been going on when I entered.

"Metal Sonic," he snapped, his voice harsh, though his face was red as a beet. "I thought I told you to wait outside until I summoned you!"

"I've been waiting, for hours, Master," I replied, inwardly cursing the commands in my matrix that forced me to address Eggman only with the name of Master.

"Really?" Eggman checked his watch. "My, how time flies when you're, um, concocting evil plans to take over the world…"

"I'm sure it does, Master."

"Yes, well," Eggman cleared his throat and sat back, feeling better now that he thought I hadn't seen what he'd been doing. "Where are the other two?"

"Outside," I replied.

"Oh. Right. I'll, uh…call them…" he turned to his intercom, but he was so flustered he hit the wrong button. We heard the sound of a phone ringing, and then someone picked up.

And I heard none other than the voice of Sonic the Hedgehog. Eggman had him on speed dial!?

"Listen you," Sonic's voice snapped, and he sounded very unhappy. "You think you're so smart, getting an unlisted number and disguising your voice so you sound funny and I can't figure out who you are, but I'm on to you, buddy! I'm sick of you calling at all hours of the night and leaving stupid messages on my answering machine! I know you're that prank caller; you're the only guy who calls me whose name comes up on my ID machine as Joe Mamma, but you'll get yours! I gotta buddy who can trace any call, and the next time you dial this number, I'll be on you like ugly on an ape! You hear that, pal? You dial this number ONE MORE TIME, and I'll be able to find you and shove your head right up your—"

Eggman quickly reached over and ended the call, then he looked at me worriedly. He sat up and cleared his throat. "He obviously mistook me for someone else," he said simply, his look telling me I'd better not question him.

"Yes, sir," I replied. While it was very interesting to see what Eggman did in his spare time, I really wished to get on with why he'd called me here with Robo Knuckles and Shadow Android.

Being considerably more careful, Eggman hit his intercom button. "Robo Knuckles, Shadow Android, come here, please."

There was a scuffle in the other room, then both Robo Knuckles and Shadow Android appeared, trying to enter the room at the exact same time. The door was much too narrow for that, and they got stuck.

"Ow, stop it…"

"Quit shoving!"

"You quit shoving!"

I sighed and reached over to them, grabbing Shadow Android and yanking him sideways. That gave them enough room to get through, and I barely had enough time to jet out of the way before they collapsed to the ground in a tangled mass of robotical parts.

"Get off me!"

"Your spine is crushing my leg!"

"Get your foot outta my eye!"

Eggman and I watched them flail about helplessly for awhile, and I eventually turned my gaze to my—and unfortunately their—creator, silently wishing I could ask a question I was forbidden to ask.

He seemed to sense my internal musing, for he grinned sheepishly and shrugged. "Maybe the parts I used were defective," he said defensively.

"Of course, Master," I replied.

As soon as the two robots were disentangled and standing at attention, Eggman cleared his throat and told us the reason he'd called us all here.

"I'm hungry," he said, as if he were telling the meaning of life, the universe, and everything.

I could not have been more bewildered if he had blurted out, "42!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"You heard me," Eggman said. "Go get me something to eat. I'm thinking McDonalds; those Angus burgers they have going on now are good. Get me four of the bacon Angus cheeseburgers, and five large French fries, and a diet coke."

"A diet coke, Master?" Shadow Android asked.

Eggman patted his big gut fondly. "I've got to watch the ol' figure," he explained, as if it were simple.

"Will there be anything else?" Robo Knuckles asked eagerly.

"Not for now," Eggman said. "But take the communicator so I can let you know."

"Master," I could contain myself no longer. "You wish me to go pick up food?"

"No, of course not," Eggman looked offended. "I couldn't very well order my most trustworthy killing machine to go get me lunch. No, your job is to watch those two yahoos and make sure they get my order right."

"But Master, I—"

Eggman angrily smashed his hand onto his desk, silencing me. "No buts! When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you, Metal Sonic! No go and do my bidding! My tummy is grumbling, and I need something sweet to eat."

"As you wish, Master," I said, resigning myself to my fate.

"Everybody mango!" Robo Knuckles cheered.

"That's 'mambo' not 'mango.' Mango is a fruit," Shadow Android corrected.

"Yeah, but it's also a neat dance," Robo Knuckles replied.

"No, it isn't."

"Yes, it is!"

"Nuh-uh."

"Hey, Metal Sonic, is mango a neat dance?"

I hate my life.

Twenty minutes later I was scouting out the local McDonalds. Sufficiently reassured that the restaurant was not equipped with defensive weapons, I turned to my counterparts, who were doing a puppet show behind my back, with their hands as the puppets.

"Don't leave me, Frank! I couldn't bear it!" sobbed Robo Knuckles, making his hand go up and down like a little mouth.

"Tough beans! And my name's not Frank!" Shadow Android replied, his own hand opening and closing.

"Ahem." I said, getting their attention. They jumped in surprise and put their hands behind their backs.

"What were you doing?" I asked.

"Nuthin'," Robo Knuckles mumbled quietly, looking to the ground.

"Would this 'nothing' be interfering with our mission?" I asked harshly.

"We're sorry," Shadow Android said sadly.

"We promise, we'll never ever do it again until next week," Robo Knuckles said, crossing his heart.

I sighed loudly. "Why do I even bother?" I muttered to myself, turning back to the McDonalds store. "Let's do this quickly, understand?"

"Okie dokie, artichoky," Robo Knuckles said eagerly.

What have I done to deserve this?

"Welcome to McDonalds, can I help you?" asked the cashier, a female red fox with a white star on her forehead.

"Hi, cashier lady! I'm Robo Knuckles!" my counterpart yelled from behind my back, waving.

The vixen waved back. "Hi, Robo Knuckles! I'm Star the Vixen! Wanna be friends?"

"Best friends?" Robo Knuckles asked hopefully.

"Sure!" Star grinned big. "Can you gargle Gershwin?"

"Can I? Can I?" Robo Knuckles suddenly looked confused. "Can I?" he asked me.

I felt an inexplicable urge to beat my head against the counter.

"I can!" Star said, and she promptly began to gargle Gershwin, right there at the counter.

"Ooh, I can do that!" Robo Knuckles said agreeably, starting a gargling duet.

The two gargled Gershwin for fifteen minutes, until I slammed my fist down on the counter, cracking it. "Can you please take our order?" I hissed.

Shadow Android suddenly tugged at my arm. I glared at him, and he pointed at the display for the Happy Meal toys.

"Can I have one?" he asked.

"No," I told him.

He looked crestfallen. "But they have LEGO cars here," he whined. "Please can I have one? Please, please, please…"

"I can gargle Michelangelo, too," Star said suddenly.

Robo Knuckles cocked his head. "How? Michelangelo's a turtle."

"Robo Knuckles, despite what popular pop culture might have informed you, Michelangelo was a well known artist, who painted the now-famous roof of the Sistine chapel, not a turtle," I corrected him.

The two of them stared at me blankly, then Star perked up and said, "I liked the episode where Raph and Mikey were sparring, and Raph got mad and nearly beat Mikey's head in with a pipe, then he ran away and helped that kid rescue his mom from the mafia!"

"I LOVE that episode!" Robo Knuckles agreed, clapping his hands like an idiotic school child.

"Metal Sonic, if you don't get me that toy, I'll hold my breath until I turn blue!" Shadow Android threatened.

"You don't breathe," I reminded him.

"Oh."

Then, as if things weren't bad enough, who should walk into the building but Sonic the Hedgehog and his annoying friend, Tails.

"…Overreacting?" Tails was saying, obviously continuing a conversation they'd been having from outside the restaurant.

"Tails, this guy prank calls me like every ten minutes. He's driving me CRAZY. You've gotta help me take him down, or I'll…" Sonic trailed off as he looked up and stared into my optics for a long, silent moment.

The tension in the room between us was so thick one could cut it with a knife. The only sounds were from an oblivious Robo Knuckles and his new friend singing the theme song of the 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' show.

"What are you doing here, you glorified trash can?" Sonic hissed at me, his eyes narrowing coldly.

"My Master has ordered me to bring him lunch," I said gloomily. "I am much too depressed for a battle here, hedgehog. If you leave now I will not pursue and destroy you."

"Ha! Fat chance of that happening!" Sonic said with a smirk. "You give me one good reason I shouldn't take you outside and rip your head off?"

At that moment, a pouting Shadow Android screamed aloud, "Metal Sonic, since you won't get me that neat toy, I'm going to kick you!" And he did.

"OW!" I yelled, rubbing my shin.

Shadow Android started stomping on the ground. "I want it! I want it! I want it! I want it!..."

At this time, Star and Robo Knuckles started acting out the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shows, playing the parts of all the characters, except the main villain, a fiend known as the Shredder. They reserved that honor for me.

"Cowabunga!" Robo Knuckles yelled, punching me in the head. Star quickly drop-kicked me while I was bent over in excruciating agony. (Those pain chips Eggman had installed had not been a good idea.)

I stumbled against the countertop, greatly damaged by the attacks from the guys who were supposed to be on MY side, while Sonic and Tails just stared, slack-jawed.

"Forget it," Sonic said, his eyes showing a small measure of sympathy. "You've got enough problems without me butting in. Let's go, Tails." And the two of them turned and left, just like that.

I finally managed to get Star to take my order, and I included an order for a LEGO toy car for Shadow Android so he'd stop his whining, and after an eternity, we had Eggman's food and were headed back to the base.

It was with great relief that I finally returned to Eggman and handed him his food. "Here, Master," I said as he took the food and his drink. "If you'll excuse me, I must go repair myself."

"Just a minute, Metal Sonic," Eggman ordered. "Let me make sure you got the order right."

So I waited while he counted the number of sandwiches and fries, making sure they were what he wanted. Then he nodded and took a sip of his coke.

He spit it out, and most of it landed on me. "Metal Sonic!" he yelled. "I said get Diet Coke! This is the regular stuff! Do you want me to get fat? Go back and get it RIGHT this time!"

I had no choice but to obey. "As you wish, Master," I said, resigning myself to the fact that I seemed to be made to suffer.

I hate my life.


End file.
